Nothing to See here

I really need to get motivated. I feel like I'm letting myself down - perhaps the weather is finally getting to me. Right now, though, I feel like I can't get my footing. I have no drive or ambition - I've always been lazy but now it's verging on slobbish.

I got up for work this morning. I was supposed to be doing an open til 6. When I got there they'd changed the roster without telling me. So I actually have the day off and I'm working tonight. It's a pain in the arse, cause I had plans for tonight. Why couldn't they call me and tell me they'd changed it? I think it's downright rude. I've been sitting at home for the past 4 hours trying to get motivated to leave the house again. I need to do some grocery shopping before I start work again. I can't be bothered.

This is my problem, I just don't have the motivation to get up and do anything. I just want to spend all my free time in front of the computer. I think it's lucky I haven't got my iBook yet, if I did have it, I would never get anything done. I'm so looking forward to April. I'll have no excuse not to quit my job then. I can just say, when I get back I'll find a new job. But that's 2 months away. I need to do something about it now. I was happy cause I finally got decent hours this week but they changed all my shifts around and gave me 3 days off. I know that sounds good but it knocks out 6 hours I was rostered on for. Bugger!!

I'm trying to get artistic now. I've started making a few icons, nothing amazing or planned just little moments of inspiration. I don't really know what I'm doing but I thought I should start creating something. I might just go a little mental.

Em's really worried about me. I didn't do it on purpose (honestly), but I think I've made him guilty for moving to the UK. I know he's concerned that I'm not happy and that he's not taking care of me. I think if it wasn't for him I would still be in a huge rut back in Brisbane, most likely still working at the Caxton. At least the money was better back home. This country is starting to get me down a little.

We're moving in a month again. We've been looking at a place a little out of town. It has a gym but it's an extra 65 pcm. We can justify that cause we would spend that on gym membership. I'm not sure it'll still be available in a month though. We called them and left a message but they haven't called back yet. Bastards!

I'm trying to sort my shit out but I'm really scared. I have no qualifications and no experience in anything other than hospitality. I'm scared to try anything new. I'd love to work at Apple, but I'm not allowed to because of me & Em.

But on the other hand, I am very happy in my relationship - happier than I can ever remember being - and things are looking up. Hopefully Em will get his promotion at work and the extra money will make things a little easier.

Happy Day of Beer!



I shall be celebrating this year's Australia Day at work (what a surprise) drinking lots of Aussie beer. This year it shall be Tooheys, cause I like it.

Haven't been doing much with my time recently. I do spend entirely too much time on neopets, blech.

I can't wait to go home and see everyone. Looking forward to spending time on the coast at the beach. Not particularly looking forward to the flights - that's if we ever book them. Goddammit it's hard to save over here.

I should be in bed. Already I regret getting out of bed and coming into the chilly lounge room. I can still feel the warmth of Emerson's skin, can still smell him. I'm feeling - creative is the wrong word - perhaps a need or urge to express myself. I've been thinking about Woodford, about that sensation of lying in your tent with the smell of mildew and the noise of the revellers outside your campsite. I've been thinking about happiness and what it is. How will I feel in 2 years time? What will I say when I look back at this time? Did we rush? Was I just desperate to love and be loved? How much of a cliche am I?

I am happy......I know that much.

I do, at times, feel dissatisfied, like there could be more. A better job, a cheaper flat, an easier way. I know that it's within our nature as humans to question, to probe, to make small things larger so we can make a big deal about them. To be noticed, to want attention.

How much of this actually means anything?

I made a Shepherd's Pie for dinner, we had icecream for dessert. We had sex, we had a shower, we went to bed. Em has an open in the morning and I have to go to Nottingham for work. The routine is starting to weigh me down.

Most of my friends are married, or have kids, or are pursuing their careers. I don't have a career. I work in a shitty pub full of shitty people whom I hate, all for £5.05 an hour. What a joke. Why do I put myself through it and why do I feel guilty at the thought of getting a better job? i realise the time I decided to sit down at the computer was 11.11 so here is my wish.......


There are no words

Is it just me, or does the 'E' in DELL



look remarkably like the logo for Steve Jobs failed 'NeXT'?



Hmmmm, conspiracy much?

EDIT: Actually, it doesn't really look that similar. I think I'm just a little too bored.

Merry Effing Christmas! It snowed - once - and not very heavily. What is the point of living in this bloody cold freezing icy stupid weather if I can't even see proper snow. This country sucks the poo.

Movies I've seen recently:

Jarhead - loved it
Memoirs of a Geisha - wish Hollywood would just leave the book adaptations alone. For the love of God, why two Chinese actresses playing the lead roles of Japanese women. Do they think we can be so easily conned? And why a French girl playing Pumpkin. I just don't understand. She didn't even look Japanese.
March of the Penguins - OMG I want a penguin. But a little cute one, not a big scary eaten by seals one.
Just Like Heaven - only saw it cause it had Mark Ruffalo in and I wanted to watch Reese Witherspoon be dead. *whee*
Harry Potter GOF - well duh!
Match Point - very dry, very underplayed, very nice. And that guy that sounds like Rupert Everett but isn't gay is sooooo gorgeous. :)
Lord of War - Gritty and long, but cool
Chronicles of Narnia - stoopid Disney. You'd think with all their money they could maintain decent special effects, but noooo.
Brothers Grimm - Aah, Heath. Mmmm. Plus that cool french guy from Fargo. Love it.

Movies I want to see:
Brokeback Mountain - finally, the gay cowboy film. hoorah
Breakfast on Pluto - I like Cillian Murphy very much and it looks like it has a good sound track
The Producers - Why haven't I seen it yet?
The Weather Man - I can't help loving Nicholas Cage
Fun with Dick & Jane - Jim Carrey does it more and more for me the older he gets. I adored Eternal Sunshine, and I look forward to this quirky little jaunt. Beside having Tea Leoni in it. Bitch, stole David Duchovny from me. hmph

OMG just realised that "The night we called it a day" is only just being released in the UK this year. It's been out in Oz for ages.

I need a photo opportunity, I want a shot at redemption.

Made this BB icon the other day. It's my first icon ever so would love any feed back.

Also, I love Dylan Moran.

And Merry Christmas

belodrama

Hoorah, take that html!!

Hee hee. I'm a nerd. I've been reading a biography of Steve Jobs, co-founder and CEO of Apple Computers as well as owning Pixar. Nutjob. Got inspired and decided to use Wikipedia to research the history of Apple and NeXT a little more. Am thoroughly enjoying it.

It was my birthday yesterday and it was completely poo!

I was so depressed all afternoon and I couldn't tell why. I just felt so flat and uninteresting and couldn't rouse myself to any semblance of normalcy. I'm sorta ok now, though there is some residual sadness. Perhaps it was just to do with being alone for my birthday (Em had to work) and not having any presents or anything. We went out on the Wednesday night, but that was mostly for Em's birthday so it didn't feel like I was special. That was it mostly, I just wanted to be the special one and I had to make my own specialness which I'm not very good at.

We bought a Christmas tree today - a real one - the only problem is finding something to prop it up. We have a bucket, but no soil or rocks. I'm fairly sure it'll just have to lean precariously. At least there'll be something interesting in the unit.

*Sigh*

I can't wait until the New Year

Hoorah! It's my birthday soon. Yay! Yippee! Huzzah! Get Excited!!!!!!

Next!

I just ate a whole pack of Maryland Choc-chip Cookies and a pint of milk. I don't feel so good. I'm on a break from work (of course) and I have an hour before I have to start thinking about going back so right now I'm really just killing time. Em's birthday is tomorrow, yay for him. I'm v. excited to see his reaction to his present.

God I feel like crap. I just want to go lie down in bed and nap but I know if I do that I'll feel even worse.

It's nearly Christmas and I don't have a tree yet cause we're so broke. I did manage to convince Em to get a plastic one, but only when he realised how sparse the real ones look. Still can't afford it though.

Sounds like we might be in Doncaster for Christmas Day. Lunch in a nice restaurant then off to the pub for a lock-in. That'll be exciting. (note sarcasm)

Plurgh

Am making quick post while waiting for oven to heat up so I can reheat the delicious pizza I made the other night - yummy.

Apple Store opened this morning, I lined up outside - yay #6! We were a bit concerned that they wouldn't get the turn out they expected (at 8.15 there was only 10 of us) but it turned out this MASSIVE crowd had been waiting in a queue outside the shopping centre, not realising they could get in and line outside the store itself so by 8.30 there was a big line stretching around the balcony fence and doubling back on itself. That was very exciting to see. Big mexican waves and cheering - most of it coming from inside the store, you have to love the American Way don't you? I have some photos that I'm not posting yet cause I'm tired and wanna go back to sleep but I think it will turn out to be a very busy day for them, luckily Em has tomorrow off although I don't.

On another note, OMG it's my birthday on Thursday. After all the uncertainty about Em's roster and him saying how unimportant his own birthday is to him, he has the Wednesday off but not the Thursday. Ha Ha fate, very funny. So we'll probably head over to York on Wednesday and do some sightseeing.

That's it for now, might post if I can't sleep.

( Lookee Here )

I gotta pressie. Hoorah. Now will have to wait til Thursday next week to open it.

So I choose me over you.

I'm on a four hour break from work, then I have to go back til 1 in the morning. I'd rather just quit my job and be poor. I am completely broke at the moment, the poorest I've been in at least a year. I don't get paid til Friday and even then I have a $200 overdue phone bill back home which NEEDS to be paid. I also have to put at least $100 on my credit card. God only knows how I'm going to get my £ into $ and onto my Westpac account. It's going to cost, I can tell.

( Read on... )

Some Photos


be warned: this is a work in progress

I miss you

"I am alive and I am free"

I'm drinking.....alone......in my flat.....and i'm all dressed up. I was supposed to be out partying by now, but Em is having drinks with the boys.....so I wait like the dutiful house wife that I am, asking only that he tell me what time he'll be home so I can have dinner ready. The moment I smsed that little message I felt so disgusted with myself that I topped up my vodka cranberry, stuck on my iPod and disappeared into the bathroom to put makeup on. I must say that I look sensational. I have great plans to finish off the bottle of Smirnoff in my freezer, the two cans of Stella in the fridge, then disappear somewhere that has cheap alcohol.

I feel momentarily resentful that my plans are ruined for tonight, then I have to remind myself that I'm in a partnership and my imagination's view of what is going to happen does not always fit in with the universe's design.

Ah, Universe. How sly you are.

It's quarter past 7 in the evening, about 5 degrees C (Must find out how to insert symbol for degrees) outside, and I've got my heater on 30. Hoorah, what an exciting life I lead.

I bought myself a shirt this afternoon, it cost £35 which equals about A$85. I can't believe that I quite happily spent that kind of money on a top I only mildly liked. Meanwhile there was a gorgeous jacket that was £80, however I resisted that little temptation. I may freeze this winter, but at least I'll be able to pay my rent.

Nothing really interesting is happening here. It did snow on Monday, for all of an hour. I was dancing around like a right moron when it started. Little icicles in the air making me cold, then the real snow started and I've never seen anything like it. Huge flakes falling down in what can only be described as a flurry.

Ah, Flurry.

Apparently it won't snow for weeks now. Still, they do say that it'll be the coldest winter EVER. Which is, of course, what they say every year about (insert relevant season here).

Oops. Tumbled Over.

Not really, I was just trying to be funny. British people don't have a sense of humour. Or maybe it's just the Sheffieldians. It's because they're all old, except for the students who are all young and stupid. As a rule though, British people are dickheads who drink too much, watch too much football(soccer) and don't tip their bar staff. I hate them.

I put this lovely lotion on my arms and it has little gold flecks in it so now my arms reflect the light in the style of trendy gold painted supermodel. Except that I don't look like a supermodel. I do, however, smell like one because I liberally dashed on the DKNY. I'm allergic to it, I come up with a rash every time I put it on, but I love it so much I can't help myself.

I hate how much money I spent on Em's present. Back home it would've paid 3 wks rent, and I spent it all on one thing that will probably end up in a box in 6 months.

We're buying a Christmas Tree, a real one, that we can put a star on top of, and tinsel and glittery stuff and our flat will be all sparkly, and we're spending Christmas day in the Pub, but there'll be beer and wine and food and it'll be great or else.

I'm contemplating the level of sadness of me if I go out by myself tonight without saying anything. Well no dinner for anyone that's for sure!! Go pro-active me. This whole couple thing kinda surprises me sometimes. I feel so possessive, like I own his time and at the same time I want him to spend time away from me, otherwise I have a horrible fear that he'll get sick of me and I need him to love me for at least another 3 1/2 years so that I can become girlfriend no. 1. No, I'm not sad at all.

I was getting pretty in the mirror, and getting drunk and getting upset cause I don't have any of my friends to go out on the piss with. It's just not the same going out and not being able to flirt stupidly. I can flirt with Em but it's not the same if it's just me and him it's only fun if there are others watching jealously. Tonight we were going to go out with his friends but I have a feeling that he'll be tired and want to go to sleep or if we do go out his friends won't come and I'll feel guilty. So I might just get more pissed here and tough luck.

I'm going to the fridge for another drink, may update again. May not. Who can tell?

Much love

Me xox

It's so effing cold right now. My feet are little blocks of ice - I hate this weather!!

I was walking down fargate today and I was stopped twice - TWICE!! - by people asking for money for some sort of research. Now I like to think myself a reasonably charitable person, but surely these people have to know I'm not interested in being harrassed. Do they not understand my body language? After all, I'm only hunching my shoulders, looking everywhere but at them and speeding up when they come close to me. I guess it's not clear enough for them when I shake my head at them to indicate my unwillingness to stop and stand around in the freezing wind while they prattle on about something I don't understand, especially as my ears have frozen up. It even got to the point at which I said, "not me, mate", to which one of them replied, "why not?"

I am astounded.

Don't these people understand there is nothing more uncomfortable in the world than standing around in public while they harrass you because you're not doing your part to save the rainforests. Especially when it's 4 degrees outside and you've come out inappropriately dressed because it was so warm in your apartment you couldn't imagine needing to wear thick pants. Any time I've actually been coerced into signing something, I've rung back a week later to cancel it.

That being said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with charities. I would just like to go for a walk some day without being stopped and asked for money.

That is all

woo hoo